I haven't read the book, The Sacred Search, but as I watched the video below, I agreed with the author's views. I prayed and wrestled for years about making sure I chose the right girl for marriage. As a top priority, I wanted to make sure my lifelong commitment was a commitment that would take me into God's purpose for my life. I had dedicated my life to following God, so my first concern was whether marrying a particular girl was God's will.
Actually, my first decision was whether God would want me to get married at all, regardless of to whom. A friend gave me crucial information to help with this question. He gave me a quote that said I should not commit to serving and depending upon another person until I am completely content with God alone. We have needs that only God can fulfill, and to rush into a marriage before those are met, will create hardship and possibly failure. I would likely place unreasonable demands upon my partner to meet needs that no human can meet. I would not have a clear understanding of how marriage is a ministry to my partner that stems from my personal devotion to God.
In later years, I came across that same advice in other forms, such as "You can't expect your marriage to have its act together until you get your own act together first." "The most important factor in finding the right mate is becoming the person God wants you to be." (These are paraphrases.)
I spent a year or two trying to make sure I was on track with placing God first in my life and letting Him change me. It's a lifelong process, but I hoped and prayed He would help prevent me from making a bad mistake if my own reasoning was faulty. During this time I was dating a girl, and it reached a point where she needed a firm direction. She needed to know whether I thought she was the one, or whether we should should move on with our lives. It was a fair question - we'd been exclusive for three years, maybe more.
Decision time had come, but it still difficult. Some criteria were fairly easy - Would she lead me in a lifestyle consistent with following God? Yes, I could devote myself to giving my life to her, loving her as Christ gave Himself for the church. Was she also committed to following God, so we would grow closer together rather than farther apart over time? As far as I could tell, she was serious about putting God first in her life and was actively seeking His direction and growing. You never know what's in the deepest part of a person's heart, or how someone will change over time, but I saw a lot of evidence that her heart was true and there no red flags.
A question that bothered me, though, was, "Was she THE one?" What if I was just a year away from meeting the one that God had planned for me from birth? In the end, I concluded that there was no way to know. I'm not omniscient. If there is just one person for me, I would have to trust God to lead me to that person. I would have to make my decision based on whether I had the opportunity to marry a good person. A great person. I realized that I did. She had been patiently walking with me as I struggled with finding God's will in my life.
I prayed that God would stop me if I was way off track - I worried that I had fooled myself into thinking I had the right motives, when in reality I was just under the spell of her beautiful physical appearance - and then I decided that she would fit well within God's will for my life. She would be right at the center - God, her, and me. As I seek to love God and others, she is first in line as a recipient. As God shapes me, she has been the main instrument He uses. God answered my prayers, and my decision was a good one.
That doesn't mean we always fit perfectly together, though. Our interests and goals often conflict. We inadvertently, and sometimes intentionally, hurt or disappoint each other. If times are really tough, the question occasionally pops into my mind again, "Am I sure we're supposed to be together? What if there's someone else who was THE one?" The answer to that question came from that same friend who gave me the advice about being content.
We were debating whether there was just one person who was made to be someone's spouse. We decided that only God knows, and that we'd have to trust Him. Then, my friend said, "Maybe there isn't a right 'one' until you take your vows. At that point, the person you marry becomes the 'one.'" Who knows, maybe there's even a supernatural transformation in which God actually makes your partner 'the one,' kind of like the way people try to connect predestination with free will. People choose to get saved and go to heaven, and then once they arrive, they see that they were also predestined, perhaps because God foresaw that they would choose.
It's just a fun thought; I don't have any real evidence of the predestination vs. free will in supernatural marriage transformations. I do often remember my friend's observation, though, when I look at my wife and can't imagine being with anyone other than her. Through God's grace and a fair amount of work on our parts, she has become the "one" for me.
Oh yeah, here's the video...
http://www.crosswalk.com/video/theres-no-such-thing-as-a-soulmate.html
also asked, "Is she THE one?" Did God have one person that He had made just for me, and
